January 7th, 2008 (11:27 am)
current location: Philippines
current mood: crushed
current song: Stain In The Rain by Superchick
It's always sad to lose a friend, even when I thought I already lost one it seems like I just lost her again. We were friends in high school, good friends, the best of friends. I called her one of my best friends which I don't do lightly. I've only done that twice in my life. One for her, and one for another whom I've been best friends with for five years (and friends for maybe nine or ten years). So she meant a lot to me. I'd look out for her and accept her, despite that there were things that I didn't like what she did. But I still loved her, like I loved my sister. We look past the faults and flaws and love the soul. Then times changed....we changed. High school graduation came and went. I attended college and she got into the military. I was consumed with classes and making new friends...she was consumed by her work and the men it brought her. We were on different levels now, concerned with different things. It seemed like we had nothing in common anymore except our past.
Then it happened...I messed up...I hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to! I have many different types of friends and at the time my other best friend (whom I've known longer and have been friends with longer) would not have gotten along with her. My other best friend and I were going to spend New Years together and when I told that to her, she got hurt. My guess is that she didn't think I valued her friendship as much as my other best friend. It wasn't true, but she didn't listen. We stopped talking for a long time...barely keeping in contact anymore. I had cried for hours for the mistake I had made and the friendship I had seemed to lose. I had told myself that in the long run it was the best. That were growing apart anyways. I'm sad it had ended badly, but that maybe it just needed to end one way or another.
Over the years we tried to meet, maybe to salvage the lost friendship we had. But it seemed that we never could get together for one reason or another. I was painted as a flake and a horrible friend. Maybe she's right. Maybe it's true. I don't like to think so cuz the way I see things...she was destroying my soul, my spirit. After that New Years, I could never do anything right. I could never make her happy. I could never make her smile or laugh like I use to. I felt like a terrible person, such an ugly being that should never live upon this Earth. Every time I spoke to her, I'd end up crying for hours.
Then today, I got another email from her. I haven't heard from her in almost a year and a half. The last time she contacted me she was back in the States and wanted to see me. She only had two days left. But unfortunately I was nine hours away and wouldn't be back home for another three days. She took it as I didn't want to see her, that it was my fault, that I was being a bad friend. Well anyways, she emailed me today wishing me a belated happy holidays...yet at the end of the message she said that "its a good thing some old friends still remember to say happy holidays". I was hoping that she just meant it in a general sense, though I had a feeling she was making me feel bad again on purpose. So I emailed her back thanking her and wishing her happy holidays too and letting her know that I didn't get the chance since I'm in the Philippines. But then she emailed me right back telling me to "save my excuses".
Is it silly of me for tearing up and crying over the simple yet hurtful message? Especially after so many years? It hurt so much to read that, as if the wound I've been trying to heal hasn't actually healed at all. I told her that I was sorry that our friendship ended so badly. That I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong to make her so mad at me for years. I don't think she's ever forgiven me. But at the same time I told her how much her friendship had been tearing me down, like a bad relationship. We need to move on, but with our heads held high and with humble hearts. We had a great friendship for three years that I continue to hold in my heart. I will always look back on those times with happiness and with gratefulness. But I think it's time for not only me to move on, but her as well. I don't think it's healthy for someone to carry around such anger. I told her if all she's going to do is make me feel bad, then to stop messaging me and to delete me from her friend's list. Is that bad or mean of me? If I'm still on her friend's list and she reads this on her bulletin, I hope that she finally understands my feelings. That I don't hate her, I'm not even mad or angry at her, but I need to keep my distance from her until we can look at each other again and say "Hello, remember me? We were best friends in high school. Man, those were good times huh?"